


Loving Sam

by AmoreanonynameFormerlySteerintoit



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Codependent Winchesters (Supernatural), Comfort, Cuddling & Snuggling, Episode: s15e04 Atomic Monsters, HARD gen, M/M, No Smut, Wincest - Freeform, gencest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 14:20:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21375511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmoreanonynameFormerlySteerintoit/pseuds/AmoreanonynameFormerlySteerintoit
Summary: Coda to 15x04. Dean comforts Sam, and contemplates what it truly means to love someone.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 99





	Loving Sam

**Author's Note:**

> I frankly don't think this one in awesome, but it's IN MY HEAD. I hope you all enjoy!

Dean stared into his drink, unsure what to do next.

The rest of the trip had been silent, except for the occasional audible sniff from Sam's side. Dean knew, from his own experience as well as Sam's, that there wasn't really anything anyone could do when either one of them got into these moods. Just quietly _be there_ until it passed.

But Dean had never been good at leaving Sam alone, and he'd never gotten used to Sam having problems he couldn't fix. Dean wasn't doing particularly well either. He was trying to put on a brave face for Sammy's sake, but it was all coming down on him too. With Cas gone, _everyone_ dead, and Sam largely incommunicado, Dean couldn't exactly talk it out either. 

He edged towards Sam's room, not entirely sure he'd be welcome there. But when he peeked in, Sam was curled up on the far side of the bed, carefully leaving half free. 

This had never been a regular thing, at least not since they were kids. But lately, it was happening more and more. Dean was getting used to waking up in Sam's room. He knew there were nightmares, that Sam didn't seem to want to talk about.

Dean shucked his overshirt and pants, and carefully lowered himself behind a motionless Sam. He gently brushed his fingers along his shoulder, and Sam jolted slightly. _What the hell is that about?_

On the other hand, Sam didn't tell him to leave. So Dean continued, resting his palm flat on Sam's back. Exhaled.

"Sam, you don't have to stay here, you know."

Dean saw Sam's head incline slightly, accompanied by an inquisitive noise. Sam hadn't been expecting that.

"I mean," Dean forced himself to continue. "You _are_ free. We both are. It's done, it's over. There's no Big Bad, no destiny, just the regular sons of bitches out there. You don't have to keep doing this, you don't have to stay in this life. You can go do anything you want. Just walk away, choose a new life for yourself, you know?" 

Dean hated every word of what he said. But he needed to say it. He was old enough to know, now. Know how selfish he'd been, how little he'd cared what Sam had wanted, as long as Dean had had what he needed. But what did Sam need?

Maybe loving his brother had to look different from what he'd always thought. Maybe Sam didn't need to be in this life. Maybe Dean should let him go. 

Sam stirred, carefully rolling over so that he faced Dean, in turn resting his own hand across Dean's chest. Even in the dark, Dean could see the streaks on Sam's face from his tears. But a fierceness in his eyes.

"Dean, no. No no no. I meant what I said. I don't think I even could live that kind of life, even if I did still want it. And, and I'm not some dumb kid anymore." 

"Dean, in the past, I'd try for that normal life, I'd think about that normal life, think about going back to it, whenever we were finally _done_. And I always told myself, you'd be okay. You'd keep going, because that's what you do, maybe we'd see each other every once in awhile. But I never let myself think..." 

Sam clutched Dean's shirt, shifted a little closer. It wasn't a big bed, they were nearly nose-to-nose. 

"How could I do it? Go out, find a wife, have a kid. Have a, have a friggen barbeque or something, not know where you are, if you're even _alive_? Just go about my day, not know if you're taking out a vamp nest alone, or in over your head, if you need help, if something happened to you-"

Sam was getting agitated, and Dean tore himself up for a moment. Of course he'd made it _worse_. He cupped Sam's face and softly said his name. Sam came back to himself, fixed his gaze with Dean's. Sam's next words were breathed, more than spoken.

"No Dean, I could never just leave you. I never, ever could." 

Dean hitched out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, hating himself even while he felt a rush of relief. He _was_ selfish. Tears sprang to his eyes as he pressed his forehead to Sam's. As they pressed their chests together, knocked noses, Dean's hand still clutching Sam's face, Sam's hand balled in Dean's shirt. Dean snaked his other arm under Sam's neck and around his shoulders, just because there was nowhere else for it to go. Sam finally let go of Dean's shirt in favour of wrapping his arm around Dean's middle, shifting out of Dean's touch to duck down and nuzzle into his neck. Sam seemed like he hadn't wanted to be touched a few minutes ago. Now he was holding on for dear life. Dean tightened his arm around Sam, resting his cheek and nose in his hair. Breathing him in.

"Sammy, I'm… I'm okay with this. I don't know if you are. But this life, this crap, everything, all of it, I'm okay with it. But _only_ because you're here. _Only_ because it's us. This is the life I have with you, and I don't want anything else."

In some ways, they felt very small, and very alone. Huddled up, in this room, in this bunker, that no one knew existed. Barely anyone knew them, knew that they existed. But maybe here, now, they really could choose this. Choose each other. Choose together, no matter how fucked up it was. And find a way to make it good. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! As always, I value any feedback you have to offer!


End file.
